#and I haven’t had therapy in weeks bc my therapist has been off and I want to message her again to figure out when my next session is

[butimnotseventeen]

.

[chrishoughton]

How do you deal with depression?

First off, I’m assuming you’re asking bc you’re dealing with depression. If that’s the case, I’m sorry you’re struggling. Depression is horrible because it robs you of desire. And if you have no desire to keep going in life, you can quickly end up in a dangerous situation.

Depression’s different for everyone but I needed to get serious about my mental health about 2 years ago after I had hit a new personal low. I’ve dealt with anxiety, obsessive thinking, and depression since I was a kid so I thought I knew what was going on, but I didn’t. Depression is serious stuff so good on you for reaching out. Of course, I am no mental health expert so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Here are some of the first steps I took when I was at my lowest:

•Learn about depression. For me, learning about what was going on in my head helped me feel less crazy, less alone, AND gave me an education in what actions I can take in order to feel better. Here is a great resource: https://www.youtube.com/user/healingdepression and I also HIGHLY recommend the book, “The Upward Spiral.” The book is a crash course into learning about the very first small steps you can do to start a positive spiral upwards. Most of us knows what a downward spiral looks like. With a little effort, can’t the spiral work in reverse? The book is great, even if you only read half of it like I think I did. Also, it talks a lot about the importance of deep breathing and your nervous system.

•Walk. Seriously, go for a walk. Today. Even if it’s only 15 minutes a day. It’s so important for your brain. You might not feel the effects right away but do it for a few days in a row and I PROMISE it will make you feel better and calm your mind a bit. Once you get the hang of it, increase your physical activity. It can be anything! Just MOVE. Your body needs to physically process all that cortisol and bad mojo. Also, you’ll spend time outside (hopefully getting a little sun?) looking at trees, people walking dogs, birds chirping, squirrels running around fighting over nuts, etc. It’s good stuff.

•Journal. Not like the instagram models who bullet journal and all that. Just grab a cheap notebook and write down how you’re feeling. That’s all. How do you FEEL? Numb? Write about how numbness feels. Angry? Hopeless? Exhausted? Write it down. You need to get those thoughts OUT of your head and journaling is one of the easiest, fastest, and cheapest ways to do that.

•Find a good therapist so that you can learn about YOUR depression. This is easier said than done but somehow I worked up the strength to make ONE appointment with 2 different therapists. I told them how I felt and I listened to what they said. One guy gave me weird vibes so he was out. The other woman was thoughtful and smart and two years later, we still speak every week for an hour. Therapy has felt like a college course in my personal psychology. I’m learning more about how my brain works. My thought patterns, what sets me off, etc. One of my doctor’s told me in our first visit, “Most people know what kind of car they drive, but they have no idea what kind of brain they have!”

•Meds. I’m on meds (and have been for decades) but I don’t really want to comment on them too much since it’s such a hot topic. I don’t think they’re anything to be ashamed of, but I also don’t think they’re something to be promoted because it’s so individual. My dose was increased when I was at my lowest and it helped but it’s never been a cure-all. However, I do think for some people in some situations, meds can be a lifesaver. It’s complicated. Do your research and meet with a psychiatrist (not a GP) and meet with them at least 2-3 times before they write you a prescription. Find someone you trust that listens to you and isn’t too quick to throw a bunch of pills at you.

For me, the things above were the most helpful tips I can give to anyone who doesn’t know where to start treating their depression. 

Here’s a bunch of other things that have helped me. However, don’t try to introduce a bunch of stuff into your life all at once. You probably won’t even have the energy and it’s just too overwhelming. Start small. But in case you’re wondering, here are some helpful things that I’ve slowly introduced to my life:

•Avoiding alcohol and/or added sugars makes me feel better. I don’t cut it out of my life but my awareness can increased. And awareness of this stuff is crucial! ( “Oh, when I do ____, I feel worse! I will now try to avoid that thing, especially when I’m already feeling bad.”)

•Got a dog! Our pets are a HUGE stress reducer and mood elevator. It’s scientifically proven that caring for something other than yourself gets you out of your head and makes you feel better. Even a plant can help.

•Coffee helps lift my mood in the morning (it’s a stimulant after all) but it can increase anxiety/racing thoughts so I stick to one cup in the morning and that’s it.

•Cannabis is something that I never used to use but it’s been very helpful (way better than benzos!!) It’s another controversial and complicated subject but I want to be honest.

•Meditation. I often can’t just sit and wait for my mind to quiet down. It’s hard and I get distracted. But certain kundalini and hindu meditation practices have been incredibly helpful. They’re active and effective. I’ve been taking classes on zoom throughout quarantine and it’s been really mind-blowing. Lots of breathing exercises and intense practices.

•Gardening. During quarantine, I’ve fallen into gardening HARD and love it. Haven’t done it since I was a kid (never had a yard as an adult until now!). It’s meditative, I sweat out in the sun, and I like digging around in the dirt like a dog. Gets me out of the house and getting out of the house when you’re depressed is super important.

•Yoga. It’s true. All that hippie dippy stuff really works! Yoga helps “reconnect” your body and mind. It’s physical exercise but it’s gentle and calming. Mainly, I find it fun and that’s really important. Find something physical that’s FUN. You don’t have to go for long runs or whatever. I hate running but I LOVE getting on my bike.

•Don’t read the news. If a bomb is gonna drop on your head, your neighbor will tell you. In a depressed state, you don’t need other people’s problems. You’ve got plenty of your own. The news is there to freak you out and you don’t need it. Avoid social media if you can as well. Too many loud people shouting! The social media companies and news organizations want you to stay glued to their platforms freaking out and believing that we’re all doomed. Don’t fall for it!

My diet could be better and my sleep is still not great. But I’m doing much better these days and you can too. Depression is a liar so don’t believe its lies. You can and will feel better. It’s going to take some effort but take it one step at a time and then pat yourself on the back for each step you take! No step is too small. Hell, pat yourself on the back if you read all of my ramblings! It’s all about moving towards a better place. Best of luck. You can do it.

[inutargaryen]

Until We Meet Again

Rating: T+

Ship: InuKag

Summary: Based on this piece. Some souls are meant to meet for the rest of eternity.

He wasn’t sure when the spontaneity in his life had been replaced for routine, but he knew it happened more frequently. At 8 am he woke up for physical therapy, at 12 lunch, 2 pm bingo, and so on. Woven in between were the various pills administered to him by an aide not much older than his daughter.

His physical therapist complimented him frequently. While his body might belong to an aging man, his spirit surely did not. It pained the young girl to see him struggle to stand after a session, but, when she would reach her hand out for assistance he would shoot daggers with eyes. His sharp tongue had grown quieter with age, however, his stubbornness would persist until death.

In his youth, he was a man of determination. He arrived in the States post-war with a dollar and a dream. What he found was prejudice. Not even that could deter him. He solved disagreements in back alleys, fixed cars, cleaned dishes, delivered takeout. He once chased a car down on his bike for cutting him off, or that was his favorite version of the story to tell his kids at least.

He no longer created adventurous stories. He sat in his room and watched American television, he longed for home, his wife, his kids.

None of the kids could handle the responsibility of eldercare on their own. Ai had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, Eiji had his second divorce, and Nobu had eight children. It was evident he couldn’t live alone anymore. He burnt part of his apartment down from falling asleep with the stove on. Then he forgot to take his medicine and ended up in the hospital for three weeks.

So is the woe of aging. 

The nurses left warning signs outside his door.

“ Mr. Taisho is NOT happy today.” In smaller letters there lay special instructions depending on how he reacted, no jello cups please, or his personal favorite, no stupid questions.

What he hated most about the assisted living facility was that is smelled like death. Every room with a soul that had gone off to its next adventure. Or those that were still alive smelt like they were already dead. It was not just depressing, it was downright disgusting.

To increase morale they hosted a party every Friday to encourage the residents to meet. Mr. Taisho suspected that they just wanted them to live longer so they could rip every last dime from their retirement funds. His aide had taken a liking to him, suggested he attend, he always refused.

This Friday was different from any other.

He hadn’t really cared all that much for women anymore, nothing south of his belly button functioned too well and he had three knee surgeries. Even if it weren’t for that, his wife had died long ago and so did his desire.

Then he saw her.

She arrived on a Wednesday. He knew this because she was getting a walkthrough of facility as he headed sat outside the physical therapy room. She did not dress like she was preparing for a funeral, but instead, still carried herself as he imagined she did in her youth. Her dress was far shorter than he had ever seen in the facility, but still modest, he could see her bony knee sticking out. As she passed him she smelt of honey and lavender. Her voice was pleasant, soft and raspy, as if she had only ever smoked a few cigarettes in her lifetime. More importantly, she was the only other Japanese person in the facility.

X

His aide was surprised to see him dressed when she knocked on the door. He had been here for exactly two years and had not went to any event where he couldn’t illegally gamble.

His aide doted on him. She smoothed out the wrinkles from his shirt like a mother would a child. From her lips fell words like groovy and other slang from this decade he didn’t quite understand. She extended her arm out to him for balance.

He let out something between a scoff and sigh, waving off her arm. He could use the help walking but he wouldn’t see the mystery woman with any signs of weakness.

They walked down the hall together. Close enough in proximity for her to catch him if he fell, but enough to give him his independence. When they reached the door he stopped for a second, staring as if a portal to another world might exist on the other end.

“ Are you scared, Mr. Taisho?” She asked playfully.

“Keh!”

He analyzed all parts of the room, his eyes searching for her everywhere. Something close to a frown tugged on his lips as he failed to identify her.

“ Come on now!” The aide pleaded with

“ I’m going back to my ro-“ he finished as soon as he began. As he turned to look behind him and there she was the definition of beauty. Her hair gathered together in a bun that revealed her delicate neck. He had only glanced at her outfit for a second before returning to her face and then her scent. That scent intoxicated him to the point he was without words.

What he didn’t realize is that everyone else could notice him staring at her. Mr. Taisho did not have countenance that coincided with flattery. He looked like the nurses had referred to him in secret, a mean old man.

“Hasn’t anyone taught you not to stare? “

Her voice awakened something deep in his soul. He could feel something pulsing deep inside of him.

He blinked a few times while he pondered a sarcastic comeback. He watched as she continue walking with an airy step.

“ I ain’t looking at you.”

His aide shook her head placing both hands on his back to softly nudge him inside. He gave in reluctantly, now, sulking very close to the entrance so he could escape at any moment.

X

He watched her subtly as she moved around the room. People were drawn to her like bugs to honey, her pool of warmth and sweetness was worthy a terrain to die in. Her smile radiated, called to him, but he tried his best to ignore it. When her eyes darted to meet his he looked away, pretending to be interested in the tray of jello.

He imagined how he would have approached her in his youth. Not likely that it would go much differently. He exuded confidence in everything, that is, except for love. Perhaps she would have approached him then. Her with rosy youthful cheeks and him with an icy glare waiting to be thawed by her glance.

Mr. Taisho was handsome in his youth in a way that only clean-cut women searching for a wild escape were drawn to. He looked as if his life had been unkind to him. But there was a certain charm in a face that looked like it had actually lived. Skin that had been burned by the sun too many times. His black tresses drawn in a ponytail that collected down to his back. Proof that he had not cared for societal norms. His hazel eyes that mimicked the yellow of the sun in the light.

Now, his eyes were replaced with a gray film from the cataracts. His long hair had been chopped long ago, the maintenance far too much for his aging body. The color of snow that was a clue to everyone that he had few years to claim his life on this earth.

He was pulled out of subconscious thought by her smooth voice. She talked about many things at once. He pretended to ignore her as she spoke about music, about her time as a dancer, about her children. He lifted his head up as he was met by silence.

“ I was listening. “

Then she quizzed him on all that she said. A hand on her hip as if she was to scold him. Something that resembled a smile crept on his face as he repeated her conversation verbatim. New York City Ballerina, taught at Julliard, kids too busy so they shoved her in here.

She looked pleased and extended her hand out to him, propositioning him. At first he refused scowled at her. Looked at his feet as if they have been put on wrong. But she insisted, her hand pulling on to his with force. There he was, trapped in her pool of honey as she moved him to the dance floor.

♪ Haven't felt like this, my dear. Since I can't remember when. It's been a long, long time. ♪

They twirled in silence to the ballad. The older woman rested her cheek on his chest as they moved together in unison.

♪ You'll never know how many dreams I've dreamed about you. Or just how empty they all seemed without you. ♪

His soul awakened to her tender touch. Unbeknownst to him, it had awakened hers as well.

what took you so long?

you weren’t easy to find this time.

i thought you’d never come.

i always do, don’t i?

i thought our story had ended.

that will never happen, kagome.

how much time do we have left?

not much, not much.

inuyasha, you feel warmer.

you are mine.

has this lifetime been kind?

doesn’t matter.

the songs almost over.

you smell like heaven.

will you find me next time?

always, always.

X

His aide peaked at them throughout the night with caution. Not for them, but for the fear of Mr. Taisho catching her staring. Her eyes darted with playful happiness as he watched him gather jello cups for them, as he listened to her talk, as what might have been a smile broke slowly on his face. She had become so entranced by his softness that she had forgotten that he could see her.

“ What are ya’ looking at! “ He gaped at her angrily. The woman beside him tapped his shoulder lightly, before smiling in the direction of the aide.

The aide pretended to be scared to appease Mr. Taisho. Softly she smiled to herself, her hands collected over her chest where she felt the familiar pulse.

Her soul spoke out to no one in particular.

one hundred lifetimes, reborn the same.

X

AN:

The aide is sango bc she will spend her lifetime as Inuyasha’s BROTP. All italics/ no capitalization are convos of the soul. The current body/ mind has no idea.This is a small part of a larger piece that expands on the piece that’s linked!

[just-bpd-thoughts]

I have a lot of followers on this account and I need to vent my emotions somewhere so like hey y'all

I haven't been super active in a long time bc of life, which is how it goes sometimes yk. But for the past several years, life for me has been dealing with abusers and facing trauma on top of trauma. My biggest abuser has been my mother, and mother's day was yesterday, which is why I'm thinking and feeling so much about this.

She victimized me for years. My entire high school career was ruined because I was too busy being her emotional dumping ground and protector, as well as her punching bag. There were days when I had to miss school to make sure she didn't hurt herself or to make sure my brother didn't kill her. And she often tossed my needs to the side, as I would ask for things I needed and wouldn't receive them for months on end, if at all. She put off making important appointments and phone calls for me. And then she vilified me for not being able to take care of myself properly due to my mental illnesses.

She was constantly belittling me for the negative effects my mental illnesses had on my life, even though she had a lot of the same illnesses and saw a therapist. We did therapy together and she never wanted to work through anything. She only admitted to having done something wrong when we were in therapy. She didn't talk about her emotions or about boundaries, she just did the bare minimum to get us through the appointment.

I didn't even know how bad it really was until I reconnected with a childhood friend and got to know their best friend (who would become my now girlfriend of almost 8 months) after all of my other friends had virtually disappeared from my life because I was so draining to be around anymore because I was a wreck at all times. Until then I didn't know how wrong my mom was and how unnatural and toxic our relationship had become. What my friend and girlfriend got me to see was that my mom and I were entirely codependent, and I was trapped in a cycle of abuse, and I needed to get out. Especially because mere weeks after my girlfriend and I got together, my parents started planning to move six hours away from home. I didn't finally realize that I didn't have to go with them until a week before the move, and up to that point, every day I woke up thinking that soon i was going to be torn from everything and everyone in my life that mattered, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And I knew that if I had to go through with that, I wasn't going to survive. Either I was going to wind up dying or completely self destructing.

Leaving my mom's home was a fucking FEAT. But my loved ones gave me the means and the courage to do it. She made me help her move, and then brought me back to where I'd be living. I stayed at her new house for a little over two weeks, and she let me bring one of my close friends (in fact, OFFERED to let me bring said friend, it was her idea, and then she treated me like a nuisance later bc my friend came along w us). She treated me like garbage every day. She was always putting me down and being passive aggressive and getting an attitude with me, for no reason. She started pointless and petty arguments in front of my friend and verbally abused me the whole way through with zero fucking remorse. The day before she took me back, she got into two fights with me, the first one in a goddamn IHOP bc she said I "might as well be an atheist" simply because I'm not a Christian and I told her that it hurt my feelings to hear her say that because she knew I had a religion, and she lost her MIND, because how DARE I tell her she did something wrong? And the second was me crying to her and begging her to stop bullying me all the time and to just be my mom, which she didn't listen to at all and instead screamed at me for an hour or so about how rotten I was for wanting to leave

This was at the end of November and the beginning of December. She left me in the town I live on December 4th. Since then, she has started COUNTLESS disputes with me over social media for no reason. She has threatened me and blackmailed me, saying she'd come get me, which she can do because she convinced me to let her get legal guardianship over my person when I turned 18, telling me it was "in my best interest" and "for my health and well being". She has stolen money from me and conned me out of money when she has more than she needs and I'm living off of social security. She has publicly abused me on my Facebook page for my friends and other loved ones to see, talking to those who came to my defense like they were less than human to her, throwing slurs at my queer friends. Talking to me like I was garbage while people watched and then praising herself for being so good to me. This has further hindered my quality of life as well as my education.

She bounces between that sort of behavior and telling me about her art projects and how much she misses me. The past few days she's been nice, when last weekend, she was a terror. This past Friday my therapist told me I don't have to make any decisions yet about whether I should - or even want to - have my mom in my life. But today she finally sent me a friend request on Facebook again, after not having me on social media for awhile because of the aforementioned arguing. So before I accepted it I told her that my boundary is that she can't start fights with me over the shit I post because I will post what I want on my Facebook and none of it is ever meant to have a go at her. She simply said "understood love you" and that was that.

Then I was scrolling through her Facebook a little bit ago, and she had shared something. It was a shoddy list of the defining characteristics of a narcissist. And she captioned it with something that alluded to me being a narcissist and not even realizing it, without using my name (but of course she misgendered me on purpose). And that just fucking BITES. More than I can even say.

She's mean to me so often. She's so abysmally nasty to me. She treats me like dirt and I'm still so nice to her all the time and she still acts like I'm the bad guy. Like I'm not her fucking KID. Like she didn't and doesn't hold a position of power over me. Like it's even possible for her to be victimized by me. And then she tells me that I play the victim so much that I can't see the error of my ways ?!?!!?!??

When she was still arguing with my Facebook friends some months ago, she posted something in a comment thread while responding to my girlfriend's dad (who was standing up for me). She told him that I was going to tell him to lay off of her because, ever since my dad passed, I would "do anything" to keep her in my life. So she admitted that she knows she holds power over me emotionally and that she can and will use that to her advantage any and every time she feels she needs to. Publicly.

And now she's still acting like I'm a narcissist and a manipulator ???

Tl;dr moms ain't shit

[daz4i]

uuuuuh ok i really need to vent rn probably but 1 on 1 convos are a bit too intimate for me rn heh, hoping the read more thingie works properly, this’ll probably contain heavy themes of suicide and depression and all that jazz so please don’t read if you are/could be triggered by that stuff

like 2 days ago i got an idea for. well. a way to kill myself that i haven’t actually tried yet. but there’s a good chance it’ll fail honestly. and i do have a good chance for it now, esp bc of how ~poetic~ it’ll be if i do it rn (god this is so edgy of me asjhdf). but i’m a fucking coward and also don’t wanna know what’ll happen if i fail tbh (i mean, i’ll either be in a hospital or a mental ward, both are terrible and also super ironic considering it’s my birthday and one reason i was so dreading it is bc i spent my 16th and 19th bdays in hospitals). and my head and chest are filled with this feeling you get when you almost die or experience a lot of pain, like this sort of breathlessness as if i already tried it and i’m not just thinking about it rn, and everything feels kind of far away. honestly this feeling is kind of lessening as i type this, so ig venting was a good idea? but. still. i just,,, really want to die, i spent like 90% of my waking hours in the last week just thinking about suicide and death or actively forcefully avoiding thinking about them and it’s so exhausting, life is so exhausting and so meaningless, i’ve completely given up and like, i wasn’t kidding in my earlier post when i said i peaked at 13 so every birthday is painful bc. well. yeah. i can’t see myself ever getting better or becoming a person or even functioning, i just get worse every day and avoid more and more things every day because i just can’t handle or bring myself to experience anything because everything is too much all the time, and meds don’t help (i’ve tried so many types for so many years and nothing actually made me Better. like, i could go outside and handle social shit better, but i still wanted to kill myself all the time, and my creativity was nonexistent which only made me more suicidal, and i kept getting in fights with people and wasn’t able to hold any friendship), and therapy doesn’t help (been at it since i was like 14-ish, with my current therapist since i was 16, and while i got better in the social aspect, i still feel terrible all the time and can’t bring myself to actually function), and being 21 marks me being being depressed and suicidal for a decade now, nearly half of my life. i don’t think even if i wanted to i could get better or become a person bc every time i try anything i end up being simply unable to handle it because of trauma related shit or my sensory issues or my depression/anxiety and just. life is boring and the only english word i could find for this is “causing despair”. i just feel so terrible and somehow i STILL can’t bring myself to try to off myself bc i’m a fucking coward who can’t even kill myself right, as all my previous attempts showed me, and failing is too risky now that i know how awful it is to be in a hospital, esp considering my trauma from it. just. i’m tired. i’m really fucking tired and birthdays are fucking depressing. both “cards” (idk the english word sry) i got from one of my friends and from my mom had really heavy hints of “please don’t die��� which is also kind of depressing bc i’m at this point of my life where everyone just has to actively keep me alive since i’m not able to, or they straight up have to beg me not to kill myself and like. ok i won’t. but what then. i’m not like physically dead but i certainly feel like it on the inside and it’s not like i do anything, and i still have to be alive even at the times when i’m not with you and those times are just. suffering. being alive is suffering being alive is so painful my existence is so pathetic i can’t handle it. i’m exhausted, i never asked to be here, and i would like off this ride please. 

[ladyruin]

No one's gonna see this. I'm just doing this to provide myself some sort of catharsis, but like... I'm drowning. I have no hope. I am lost.

It may be exacerbated by the fact that I've gotten not so great sleep this past week and a half, but I'm sitting at my full-time job rn just trying to reign in my feelings again to where I don't break down and cry at work for the second night in a row. Why? Because I can't afford to be self sufficient despite working full-time, despite making above minimum wage. I dropped out of college bc my mental health tanked. It got better once I got a job like, a year and a half after that, but it's tanking again as a realize that mostly because of that student debt I have, I can't be self sufficient and move out of my parent's house like I want. I'm stuck living with a parent that has left me with mental scars, while the other who was my rock moved about 40 minutes away. While we're both happy that she was able to get away from him and is overall happier for it, she feels guilty that she had to leave me behind. And I am sad I don't get to see my mother who's like my best friend as often as I want or sometimes need to.

I feel pathetic for saying that. But I'm not sorry for it.

I've noticed that my breakdowns at work are slowly getting closer and closer together. Because now I feel like I'm going to end up crying for the second night in a row because I feel trapped. It reminds me of what my sister said a couple months ago as a joke, "How would you know? You're not a real adult." I'm 24 in two weeks. I am an adult. It's a tasteless, gate-keepy joke. I immediately got upset and told her that I didn't enjoy her joke, and she at least apologized, but that doesn't change the way she thinks about me. It makes me think that she sees me as just a lazy leech. Just because I didn't work two part time jobs like she did. For about 2 months before she quit. She's literally told me, when I was just trying to look for support when talking to her, that I wasn't working hard enough and I need to work two jobs like she did. And that I have it easier because I'm not married. She added the married part bc I told her I was a bit jealous she was married bc she had someone there who could both emotionally and at least partially financially support her while I had none of that. I was alone. And she went off on me. The one time I reached out to her for support and she threw my insecurities back in my face and beat me with them.

I haven't really talked to her since.

I'm stuck at this job that's far from my home because it pays above minimum wage and doesn't trigger my anxiety all that much. I try to job hunt occasionally, but not only is it demoralizing, it's highly triggering for me. Don't ask me why. It just is. So I have to do it in very small spurts. I can't afford land, I can't afford a mortgage, I can't afford living expenses... I can't afford anything I need as a single person.

And no, on the off chance that someone does see this, I'm not explaining why I can't just try and find an apartment. Just know it's animal related.

So, I am kinda of trying to go back into therapy. But it's hard because my first experience wasn't good. I first went a few months after I dropped out of college. And my therapist was just... Not understanding a thing I was trying to tell her. I didn't have the word to properly explain why my dad made me feel bad. Just that I did and certain things he did that just wasn't right. completely ignored me. Told me that my dad just relied on me and completely did not see or ignored the fact that I was basically telling her that my dad would continually use my fear of him to manipulate me to get me to do what he wanted. Which were chores that his golden boy essentially told him no to. It got to the point where my dad gave up asking my brother to do anything and he just went straight to me. My father emotionally abused me, and my family, for years. The sad thing is that my mom and I have been the only people to clearly see and call him out on his narc bullshit (even if my mom was a bit late to the party).

My father doesn't really try the things he used to before, but that doesn't erase the trauma. Even if he will never acknowledge it, I will never forget. I still get on edge at times when I hear him outside my bedroom door, and the only way I feel safe is by locking all my doors.

He probably doesn't know why I do that.

My mom certainly didn't until I told her why I had started doing that.

I think she cried when I told her. I don't remember.

It's funny how my brain, like some other people's brain, forgets things to cope with stress. That's at least one thing my old therapist did acknowledge. She said it was something she watched for.

I do hope one day I'll have the means to leave. Maybe that'll give me the distance to finally maybe love my father again like I used to when I was little. Maybe it won't. But I'm realizing that even if my father doesn't treat me like how he used to, that house is still toxic for me. It's... Hard to explain why, but for those who have been through similar or worse things (god forbid) know what I mean.

If for whatever reason people actually see this, read this, know I'm going to see about turning comments off for this post. If you want to talk to me, you can DM me I guess. But know that when I'm like this, I'm very reclusive. I may not reply. And I'm sorry. I can barley keep up with myself right now.

Anyways, if anyone reads this, thanks for reading my ramble. I'm goin to try and... Decompress now. Goat cuddles do help, but they don't live where I work. Haha

[fbwzoo]

(1/?) Anxious about pets anon here! Thank you for your reply, I adapted all your tips and already feel better :) In my first ask I almost talked about my situation sounding a bit hoarderish but didn't to keep it short but I realized I prolly should've! So I'm gonna explain myself a bit better now that I'm calm, I'll try to keep this short but I have a tendency to ramble so I apologize for the length in advance. Also gonna call myself 🌱 from now on since Anxious about pets anon is a bit long!!

(2/?) Normally getting two geckos and turts in a couple weeks is definitely a red flag and if I saw someone do that I'd definitely side-eye them. I do not support getting so many animals this fast at all which is why it freaked me out so badly and it's something I never want to do/experience again. I find preparing and caring for a new (species of) pet for the first few weeks very stressful to begin with, so doing so for multiple species simultaneously with little to no warning has been awful.

(3/?) However the reason I ended up in the situation at all was because I had seen a post online about a leopard gecko that was for sale enclosure & supplies included for fairly cheap, so I opened it for fun. Turned out the geck was actually in my area and the set up was not... Very good. So I talked with the seller and came to the conclusion I could take him as my own leo struggles to keep up with the phase my feeders breed anyway so I had the means to do so

(4/?) All is good, I'm getting a leo (picking him up this weekend). No biggie, except oh no. I find a morph of created gecko I have been looking for & I've had an empty set up waiting for this moment for ages. I'm a bit put off by the timing as I don't really like the idea of buying two pets in such a little amount of time, but it's too late for I have fallen in love and I justify getting him bc I've been prepared for this for a long time and it also happened to be my birthday that day. 

(5/?) Still, took a bit of a hit from it and looking back I would still classify it as an impulse buy as I had not expected to run into the crestie that day even if I had been prepared for a while. This has also been the first time I haven't waited 12+ months between purchasing animals which planted the seed of anxiety in me and the word "hoarder" did cross my mind a couple times but I ignored it, mostly because I knew I'm not one and thought it was silly to think that, but also cuz it scared me 

(6/?) Fast forward a few days I'm talking with the leo seller again. I ask why they're getting rid of it and they tell me they're quitting the hobby so they're rehoming everyone. In curiosity I ask what other animals do they keep and we talk about it for a bit till they say "everyone else already has a home except this baby turtle, no one wants him". I have no interest in getting a turtle, but like a fool & out of wanting to be educated I ask about the species as I'm not very familiar with turts

(7/?) I thought I made it clear I'm not going to take him before the chat but as the 'educational' convo went on the seller was actually picking apart my reasons why not & as pets are a special interest of mine I engaged very enthusiasticly w/o realising. At the end of the chat they said "I'm glad they're both going to a good home". I had missed two of my latest therapy sessions & have severe difficulty telling people no so I replied with "I'm just trying to help" & had a panic attack.

(8/?) It was too late to back down now so I'm getting a turtle. But with that what I was getting as well was more anxious and I spent the next day in bed, which helped. I opened up about it to a close friend, and instead of them reassuring me they told me they've been meaning to ask me if I could take a tortoise (that turned out to be a turtle as well) out of their friends hands. I said Im not sure if this is the right time, and my friend asked me to think about

(9/?) I ask my friend why does this turtle need a home anyway, he tells me the owners travel a lot and that the turtle is loved but neglected. I felt sad. My friend knows how I'm gonna react if someone comes to me directly to ask for help, especially if it's about a suffering animal. I grind my teeth & talk with the owners telling them I'll see what I can do, then I get a text telling me my friend has already made a plan how to deliver the 100g aquarium to my apartment.

(10/?) Even when I may not have wanted the turtles I'm glad if I get to make their lives more enjoyable. I will give them my everything and do my best to provide a good home for them. Tho it does hurt me my discomfort is secondary to other people when they know I will agree to things as long as they apply enough pressure, especially when I'm already vulnerable, but I suppose it's my fault too for not communicating well enough and for allowing them to take advantage of my difficulties

(11/11) Sorry this turned out a LOT longer than expected!! You don't have to post it I just wanted to let you know I didn't just wake up one day and decide to expand my family by half, but that it was more of a gradual process that I found myself unable to stop even when I wanted to, & will work with my therapist so I can be prepared for these situations in the future. Thank you again for the advice, it has helped me feel better! Ps. I will update when all the pets are here and settled down! -🌱

I hope you don’t mind me posting, I wanted to share your story with others, especially in case anyone was still worrying about the situation!

I’m sorry that you had so many people stomp all over your boundaries, especially your friend. That was super not cool of them. :/ I understand having difficulty saying no, especially when you’re wanting to help animals - I have issues with that too. I’m glad that you’re so aware of the problem & that you have a plan to work on it though!

Also I wanted to add one more bit of advice - keep in mind that you do not have to be the forever home for every one of these animals. Especially if you find yourself getting overwhelmed or having difficulty with care. You have to take care of yourself as well as the animals. I know turtles can be a fair amount of work and money to set up well, and while I know you said you’re up for the challenge, I just want to make sure you give yourself some room to breathe. If you do find that you’ve taken on more than you can deal with, it’s okay to look into options for rehoming some of the animals, and that doesn’t make you a bad person. I can definitely vouch for the experience of finding yourself in over your head & needing to take a step back and find a better place for a pet, even when it’s really hard! I know these words might not be necessary, but I just wanted to make sure someone said them, in case you needed to hear it. ♥

Thank you for the update and further explanation, and I hope everyone settles in well! I look forward to more updates if/once you’re able to do so. :) 

[consolecadet]

very long post about ED, weight, health, exercise, disability. sorry

I’ve gotten a lot better about not being too concerned about how my body looks since I started trying to recover from ED ~8 years ago, and a lot better about eating enough food and eating “bad” foods and foods I was afraid of trying, and when I started seriously trying to learn to cook in college it was super healing and good

but getting into biking has been a double-edged sword for me

because I couldn’t walk very far w/ my herniated disc, I had a lot of trouble getting around without a car. and I couldn’t afford a car. but I could afford a bike, and a bike was a lot faster and more efficient for me for getting around school and to gigs and stuff. it felt really good to finally be able to travel cheaply, without pain, on my own schedule, dependent only on myself, especially when I finally got asthma treatment and found I was strong enough to go distances that seemed really far to me

so in that way biking made my life easier and made me feel a lot better about myself as a disabled person, like my disability wasn’t, well, disabling me as much...and biking also 100% precipitated a pretty significant ED relapse during my last 2 years of college and enabled me to stay very focused on Strength and Fitness as defense mechanisms against my and others’ negative feelings about my fatness and disability. I hate dealing with doctors, and I really liked having ‘well I bike 25-50 miles a week’ in my back pocket as a gotcha against doctors making assumptions about me based on my body. and by using that I managed to avoid dealing with a lot of bullshit I’d internalized about health-and-fitness-as-morality-and-value, about being Good Fat Person (even though I would never expect that of anyone else!), about being Good Disabled Person who always showed up and always worked hard and never let my disability get in the way of shouldering a workload as ridiculous or more ridiculous than my abled classmates

this made developing spinal stenosis and becoming almost completely bedridden much, much harder to deal with, emotionally! I spent a lot of time, especially in the first month, freaking out about how I was losing all my Bike Muscle, how my heart and lungs were shriveling up. for the first time in a long while I was Very Very Afraid of gaining weight, because I imagined I would gain a lot of weight from going so long without moving*. I ate a lot less than I should have, in part because it was hard to get food when I could barely tolerate standing or sitting long enough to use the bathroom, but also because I had already been going in the direction of a bad ED relapse. I just went from restrict/binge/exercise-purge to restrict/restrict/restrict, because I couldn’t exercise any more

as you surely know, I’ve developed/found out I had more than my share of health issues since I got out of surgery and started being able to move around again. it’s been difficult trying to keep myself from ascribing morality to them, especially the ones that have happened in part because of the time I spent trapped in bed. I keep having to remind myself that having health problems doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, and that the spinal stenosis happened because I was overworking myself, carrying things that were too heavy for me, and not making the time I needed to care for my spinal health because I was “too busy” and figured that continually riding long distances was enough to keep my back from getting worse

I keep having to remind myself that it’s okay and very normal to get out of breath when I’m trying to bike up a hill, especially given my recent health history, and it’s okay and normal to feel like I need to get off and walk the bike for a while, or even, god forbid, stop and take a break if I feel like it. I keep having to convince myself that it’s okay that I don’t have the resilience or strength to handle full-time or even ‘normal’ amounts of part-time work right now. for crying out loud I have been writing a whole-ass novel just so I’m not ‘unproductive’ during this VERY NECESSARY time of rest and recovery. I keep thinking to myself that I already had months of rest during the time I was bedridden and it’s silly to feel like I need more now, even though that “rest” was just months of agony and involuntary immobility

I still love biking bc it slaughters my last-mile problems and lets me do a lot of things I can’t do by walking, and just because it’s like, fun to do, but I want to acknowledge that it also enabled me to not deal with a lot of shit that made it much harder to cope with my spine crisis and is making it hard to be kind to myself now. I may not care as much about how my body LOOKS but I still have a lot of internalized whatever about how it functions, and it sucks and I am not sure how to unlearn that, especially in the environment I’m in rn

anyway yeah I’m gonna try going back to therapy, even though I hate talking about this shit to therapists because somehow even very radical therapists often haven’t gotten past your most basic HAES concepts and will say all sorts of unintentionally hurtful things in response

shrug

*fwiw, I didn’t, I actually lost weight bc I was eating very little and my muscles atrophied a bunch. I do not recommend this, it really sucks

[figula]

yesterday went from being mundanely grim in an internal, mental illness-focused way to being quite refreshingly bad in a very external way in the space of about an hour

i had therapy, which was fine - i like her, i think it takes time to build a patient-therapist relationship and to figure out what exactly the most efficient course of action is, and atm it’s talking-focused, rather than what i’ve had before - CBT - which is quite goal-oriented? i think they both serve different purposes but i think bc my difficulties aren’t JUST ocd, which is well-served by CBT for sure, that a more holistic approach is better at least for now

anyway: i had therapy; as i said, it was fine, but by dint of it being therapy it also was not enjoyable, and i came out feeling, as is typical, worn out and a bit flat

five minutes out i got a phonecall from my mum in tears asking me to call my sister bc she’s refusing to come home and crying in the college toilets. this was galling for several reasons - the fact i needed to decompress after therapy, obviously - but also bc she knows i’ve been having a rough few weeks and still felt it was appropriate to put this massive emotional burden on me? when i can’t really do anything about it? she was saying ‘i think it is time for her to find somewhere else to live’ and stuff and i was like, welp, fuck, alright

like, whatever, i guess - i called my sister, she didn’t pick up, so i texted her like ‘obviously you have to go home just. go home.’ lmao 

i’ve talked about my sister on here before - she makes a lot of horrific choices but she’s only a teenager still and the relationship breakdown btwn her and my mum is really not all on her, at all, it’s a pretty even split imo - a lot of it is due to personality types that just do not mesh well, i think, but my mum will not accept any part in it

but nyway: i was surprised at the maturity of her responses tbh - i expected a lot worse 

samples:

‘i know i don’t deal with it in the best way but i cannot stand the way she repeats things over and over and gets an idea in her head and that’s it. she gets weird about me going anywhere, i haven’t been allowed to have any of my friends round since grandad moved in. i know she has a lot to deal with and i understand that but really she is just so so stubborn like i can’t deal with it it’s like banging your head against a brick wall over and over and over again because nothing at all goes in her head once she is set. 

i know she doesn’t mean any harm but it’s exhausting when she does things like that but then somehow everything is my fault and as far as she’s concerne dnothing she does is wrong at all like you can’t talk to her about it. i know i can be horrible but it’s just getting really wearing when i’m 18 and can’t do nything myself. and she’ll be like ‘show some indepedence’ but what she really means is ‘do things exactly how i want you to do them’. 

that therapist in hove suggested family therapy and i was well up for it and it was v disappointing when she was scoffing at the idea.’ 

there was more, but that’s kinda the gist, and like - god, despite all her faults, and there are so many, and she knows i think this, she’s right about all of this, she’s right about everything, something is wired wrong inside our mum’s head. when family therapy is suggested and the supposed wayward not-giving-a-shit 18 yo daughter leaps at the idea and the parent in the situation says ‘no. we’re doing fine on our own’ despite the fact that she clearly, CLEARLY is not, it made me quite pissed off at the time actually and i’m even more angry about it now that my sister, months later, is clearly still hurt over the missed opportunity to improve their relationship!! 

i phoned home an hour or two later with the intention to talk to my mum properly about the situation but - again proving how right my sister is - it all went to shit the moment i said her relationship w/ my sister is ‘horrific’ (which. it is. like literally an hour previously it had been ‘she must leave this house’!!) and she immediately got hugely angry and defensive and shut down the conversation entirely - which got me really upset! understandably i think?! she was treating me like an absolute idiot for taking the situation seriously - and again, an hour previously my mum had been talking quite decisively about my sister moving out - i essentially burst into tears and told her that i have always done everything she wanted me to re: my sister, that i have called her when she asked, that i was the one brought into this situation in the first place! and now she has the gall to get angry with me for checking in and trying to help - when the help WAS asked for in the first place!

she lied to my face about the conversation we’d had on the phone. i was like ‘you called me crying -’ and she cut me off and said ‘i wasn’t crying.’ reader, she was crying. like. she was crying. why lie? literally why lie? we were both THERE. we both know she was crying. at that point i got even more enraged and kept asking her why she was lying to me over this meaningless point but she had no answer; she moved on the conversation to asking me about my day, how i am, how’s my life, how’s the cat - in this cold, removed tone that means she’s really pissed. and i was just like answering the questions! because what else can i do? i am also kind of scuppered by the fact i literally cannot hang up the phone lmao there’s some kind of issue w/ my phone in that it freezes when i’m on a voice call so i have to just wait for the other person to hang up LOL. so i kind of just had to take it!!

the whole thing just made me feel really sad. i don’t think she values my input or opinion. i don’t think she values anyone’s opinion. i think she wanted me to make her life easier wrt my sister (who is still home - it has all blown over, i think bc my mum just decided it had blown over). 

my sister sent this later: ‘she suggested that they basically send me away to live with [our aunt] and it’s just like funny how she thinks the solution is to send me away rather than actually attempt to fix what is going on.’ again she’s so right, but attempting to fix the broken relationship (which as we’ve seen she will seriously not even acknowledge) will inevitably involve some self-reflection and honestly at this point i don’t think she’s capable of it. or she doesn’t want to. the end result is the same: it’s not going to happen

my sister can come and stay here for short periods of time but moving here isn’t an option. she’s not going to uni this year (which is good imo - she’s not ready i don’t think) and she has really no option than to keep living there

[thespermicidaljellies]

Positive reflective life ramble on adversity, sickness, and the aftermath of 'crisis mode'

So, getting severely physically sick gradually over the past year and a half---because really my doctors and I have figured out its been a gradual thing that's been deteriorating for a while, I realized that even though I've had a LONG series of really awful stuff happen to me, every single thing internally changed part of me in an extraordinary way that's so so healthy and solidifying. It's all because of the amount of work and time I've put in from like age 17 till now in therapy, personally, and within my relationships, and even though I couldn't abate the physical effects or my own frankly severe clinical depression due to genetics, the way I've handled and allowed events in the past year or so to impact me was like the stress test proving that the work has had a permenant impact? It proved to me that as a person I'm healthy, I take things in a healthy way, I approach people in a healthy way, I conceptualize criticism and failing in the healthiest way I can with my rsd, and I set healthy goals and have healthy desires. BUT I haven't been able to actualize any of it because honestly, after everything I kind of just wanted to stagnate and have nothing new happen event wise so that I could just breath and have some stability because I've been totally exhausted and burnt out. I should have taken a semester or a year off of school, the worry and sudden ambivilance to school really hurt my health and my ability to just breath again, and the decision to just tread water and endure without any real changes in my daily routine definetely hurt my energy and health. Taking almost a year off from any kind of dating and sex, and shit even research was good for me. Like to an extreme extent, but I should have listened to my body saying "I'm too exhausted to even use this extra time to benefit myself" and just taken time off from school to work and move out temporarily etc.

But none of that matters now bc I got very very sick, and being bed ridden, isolated, and totally stripped of any sense of security or complacency has really changed my entire perspective on life and the finality of it and the responsibility I have to myself not just internally but externally in the form of action and challenge. My family lives a supremely unhealthy lifestyle and it's impacted me greatly. Our diets are terrible, even with the changes I've made in the past to mine by eating less fatty meat and no frozen foods, it's not enough, I haven't exercised enough or respected my body at all and doing so now will literally kill me down the line. The second I'm medically cleared I'm getting a personal trainer/physical therapist and getting in very good shape, I was an athletic kid and I've said I wanted to do this in the past but there's this weird thing inside of me where a certain threshold is reached where I know that something HAS to happen and it's absolutely going to and it's there, I dont have a doubt in my mind that it's going to happen.

Mentally I need to find a stable medication and therapy routine to treat my dysthymia because I'm unfortunate enough to have inherited my mom's near Electroconvulsive Therapy levels of long term depression, but im extremely lucky it doesn't really come in the form of sadness, just all the other physiological and psychological factors like poor motivation, anhedonia etc. Finding the right treatment now will pretty much give me a baseline to know what my normal is, because it's been a FAT minute since I've been at my baseline, and that'll give me the awareness I need (combined with CBT) to identify warning signs because emotional states aren't identifiers for me. Lastly on a personal level, I'm in fucking shambles rn in all other facets of my life but my health destroying itself stripped me down to only my internal world, and who I am as a person as the only things left. And I feel incredible, like I feel so fucking healthy and loving and assured in who I am and my worth, and all of it has been tested and tried and proven through terrible events, but the only way to remove doubt from my brain was through those events.

I think the past few weeks have been really dark, depressing, and sad for me because its been this weird grieving period of fear and sorrow about all the negative shit that's happened and the perceived loss of the life I've been leading but really, every time I'd think it would lead back to a conclusion of how I'd benefited out of it and the reality that I havent been living, I've been in crisis mode since July 2017, and the strip back down to the core that I'm enduring now is exactly what needed and maybe even what was supposed to happen.

After two days ago, the worst I felt in my entire life, I woke up and like all the fear of intimacy, being vulnerable, taking risks, and making concrete choices is just gone, because there is  literally no more back tracking and hedonistic fleeing from fears even possible. The few people that I've not cut out in my life and have stuck around have said consistently over the past few weeks how much I've helped them and have given so many examples of times where I helped support them at their worst times, from suicide attempts to breaking off engagements to sexual abuse and changing careers, and I honestly didn't realize that people ever thought I'd had that much of an impact in that and I never really believed that I had earned or deserved to receive help or loyalty from people, it's been incredibly meaningful and validating for my biggest difficulty, vulnerability and accepting help. I think once I start to get my shit in order it's time I open myself up to a serious relationship or dating again, but without a goal of actively trying to obtain it, it needs to be with someone who's in the same position I am, the uphill climb AFTER the first uphill climb from neglect and lack of self respect to having identified what the soul needs and wants and what you provide and want others around you to provide to your life as well. I know this all sounds horribly pretentious but I'm here man, like it's all in the past been heal heal heal, and now it's like: the buildings are all built, let's occupy and use them and invite others in to use them as well. Idk yeah, that's everything I guess, I posted this for a specific few people who I know read my tumblr to keep an eye on what's been going on in my life since I'm not active on twitter/Instagram anymore, but thanks to anyone who read anyways.

Officially done with Lyme disease treatment today btw 🤘🏻

[brcnnaj-blog]

can i just take a moment to tell you guys how big of a disaster i am? bc wow !! so there is this really hot guy at my gym and last week i was like.. fuck it girl go talk to him ! so today i was all ready, i hyped myself up and then i saw him and it was like i forgot how hot he was and it was like i went back to middle school and forgot that i'm a grown ass person who can talk to other grown ass people !! and im just kicking myself about it all now bc i'm just truly tragique.

but anyways! i’m sofia (she/her) and this my friends, my loves, my fellow trash kids.. is my disaster child brenna. so hit that heart if you wanna plot or just console me about how much of a chicken i am

( cisfemale ) haven’t seen BRENNA JONSON around in a while. the MAIA COTTON lookalike has been known to be (+) ALLURING & (+) INDEPENDENT, but SHE can also be (-) IMPRUDENT & (-) PRIDEFUL. The 20 year old is a SOPHOMORE majoring in SPORTS THERAPY. I believe they’re living in PEREGRINIS but I popped by earlier and no one answered the door

+ red lipstick & a closet brimming with black, sports bars, snarky responses, rolling eyes, a steaming cup of coffee first thing in the morning, heeled boots & no make up make up.

her mom died when she was really young so she was raised by her dad. he’s the real mvp ok. he struggled a hella lot but honestly tried to do his best.. his nickname for her is peaches for fucks sake ok we stan one dilf

he’s the men’s hockey coach at the university so chances are, you’ve heard her last name around

she’s originally from vermont

she went a bit wild in high school and it put a strain on her relationship with her dad which actually kills her bc the last thing she wanted was to disappoint him 

she dated his guy in junior year of HS and he was great and awesome and athlete of the year and all that jazz but he fell a little too hard into the party scene and drugs and then things just went south real fast and it ended up in a disaster (i’ll give u all the dets if u wanna know more) so anyways she’s hella hesitant of relationships now bc her track record kinda sucks

she’s studying to become a sports physical therapist - when she was growing up, she tore her achilles and her physio lady was basically a miracle worker and inspired her to go into the field

red lips ? check ! all black ensemble ? check !

she’s not a serial dater.. more like a serial hook up-er? lol like she’s known to have a lot of flings but nothing ever serious. she’s not about screwing a different person every night so she tends to find someone to hook up with for a few weeks and then move on you know?

she’s hella flirty and fun and feisty

the embodiment of ‘smart ass with a great ass’

she’s not about to take your shit though so if u gonna be dumb b ready to get called tf out

she’s not afraid to be honest. like she’s pretty open about most things but she’s not just gonna spill her past at just anyone’s feet. that’s for people she trusts

okay! basic bitch of plot ideas:

GIRLS !!! everyone needs a tribe. a squad. a badass group of ladies to love and support and throw hands for

roommates! bc YES

brotps she’s always had a lot of guy friends and solid friendships are the best thing. bless

enemies/mutual dislike listen. we can’t all love each other. sometimes u just don't vibe with people 

ex hook-up someone she used to have a fling with ?? we can brainstorm how it ended.. maybe they r all cool and friends now or maybe it went bad bc of feelins ?? who knows

current hook up obvious

flirt/roast vibes this might be one of my fave things EVER! like two people who flirt and roast each other in equal measure

classmates anyone she shares classes with. an excellent starting off point for more fun right?

[baekjohn]

I think my dysthymia is fucking up my memory and ability to concentrate. I’m in my last year of Uni (I have 1 exam left and it’s the worst one yet) and I can’t remember anything I study. I can’t remember anything period that’s actually more accurate.

i’m gonna put the rest of your message & my response under the cut since it’ll be pretty long ~

[ I don’t remember what I did 5 years ago, a year ago, a week ago or yesterday. And I’m so scared I’m going to fail this exam. And even if I pass it I’m scared about what’s gonna happen next since I’ll be working in a high responsibility field where I NEED to remember shit and I can’t do that. I used to be good at school but these last few years my memory has been getting progressively worst to the point where now I don’t know if I’ll get through this semester. And I don’t know if dysthymia is what’s caused this but I don’t have money for therapy or meds either way. I’m sorry for sending this i just had to vent to someone cause my friends just laugh at me not remembering stuff thinking I’m exaggerating when I literally can’t remember anything they’re talking about. ]

-

okay so first of all, i’m glad you reached out to someone about this bby! bc you should never have to go through anything like this alone. pls never apologize for venting to me okay my ask box, if you prefer to stay anonymous, and my dms are always open to you for whatever you need :’)

i actually suffer from dysthymia myself. i’ve been suffering with it for almost 5 years now and it truly sucks. so i feel you and i understand. what i want you to do first is to just focus on the fact that you are ALMOST DONE! you have come so far and getting through one (1) year of college is hard enough. so many people drop out halfway through their first year for various reasons. i am already so proud of you for getting to the end and the fact that you just have one more exam.. just one more speed bump on your uni journey.. that is how you should look at this right now. i know that it’s hard to not think about what’s going to happen next, but for now i want you to try to only focus on this one last task you have–your exam. 

it’s okay to be scared. i was definitely scared during my last year. because i knew i had to start thinking about jobs and what i was going to do after i graduated. it was the scariest thing in the world for me bc i have so much social anxiety and i didn’t want to have to interact with people and stuff so i had a few breakdowns about life after graduation. i was going to go to grad school right after, but i decided i needed time off after those long four years. during that last year of school, i would talk to my mom about jobs and i couldn’t even get through 5 minutes of conversation without getting extremely upset or mad and i would either cry or yell at her. i was scared of the world. i mean i still am. i’m absolutely terrified of the world and people i’m not familiar with.

i’m not sure where you’re from, but even if you don’t have money for therapy or meds there are counselors at universities for you to talk to for free. you did say “uni” in your message so perhaps you are from the UK, so i’m not sure about there, but if you are in america, you can go to your uni’s counseling center or whatever they call it and they will talk to you and help you. of course, a mix of meds & therapy is usually what is best but it’s okay if you cannot do both for whatever reason. for me, i just take meds. i tried therapy for about a year and it really just didn’t help me and that’s okay. not everything that may work for one person will work for another. if there are no counselors at your uni for you to take advantage of, i’m always here. of course i’m not a professional but i do know how therapists think and what they might tell you if you went to therapy. 

maybe your dysthymia is the reason for your memory loss, or maybe it’s not. my guess is that it probably is a factor since you said you didn’t have many problems in school before. your poor memory as of late and your dysthymia are most likely correlated, however, that does not mean your dysthymia is the sole cause of it. maybe you can put post its around your room and in other places. if you have a daily planner, put some post its in there so that you can read them every time you open it up. put some important notes on the post its that you are finding the most difficult to remember. i believe in you, bb. i believe that you can pass this exam. i believe that you are fully capable of making it through the semester. and if you need to lean on me in order to do that then that is perfectly fine. 

as for your friends.. that’s just wrong. they don’t know what you’re going through. just because they can’t relate, that does not give them the right to come to any sort of conclusion that you may be overreacting or exaggerating. until they have gone through what you’re going through, they have absolutely no right to comment on your feelings. if they are your friends, they would help lift you up and let you know that they are there for you. 

so please, just know that i love you and i am here for you always!! and remember.. let’s try to just focus on the current task at hand. your exam. if you’re worrying about what will happen next then that will have an effect on your performance on the exam. as hard as it can be sometimes, we don’t want to fill our heads with other concerns and worries while we haven’t quite finished one thing yet. 🤗💞🍯🌸💛

[words-writ-in-starlight]

hi, it's the adhd anon again. according to the dsm-v, i think i have it, which is weird bc i've never seen myself as having more trouble than others. (my grades are better than almost anyone else in my grade.) (although that might just be bc i'm interested in what's being taught - when something's not interesting or too hard, i have a pretty hard time doing it.) anyway, if it's not too much trouble, what does feel like to stim/hyperfixtate for you? (i'm so sorry to bother you in advance)

Hey, dude, welcome back!  So, okay, first things first: the stereotype of someone with ADHD automatically doing terribly in school is based heavily on the original diagnostic criteria, which categorized ADHD strictly in terms of “young hyperactive white boy who has violent outbursts and/or disciplinary problems and Just Doesn’t Do Well in academics.”  And there are people who manifest ADHD like that, it’s a stereotype with roots in reality--a lot of people with ADHD either consistently struggle with academics or eventually reach a point where their previous focusing techniques fail them.

However.

I left high school for college two years early, and if I hadn’t, I would probably been valedictorian of the graduating class, because I had a GPA well above 4.0 due to my general habit of doing extra credit whenever it was offered.  In college, I had a reputation for turning in beautifully complete lab reports and essays five pages over the minimum requirement.  I got high honors on my thesis, graduated magna cum laude, and finished a pre-medical major in half the recommended time period.  When I was a kid, the phrase “savant syndrome” got thrown around a lot, to give you some context.

On the other hand, I manifest a lot of those stereotypical ADHD symptoms: I’m loud, I interrupt people a lot, I have erratic and overwhelming mood swings that I struggle to control, I fidget incessantly and can’t stand silence, I have a tendency to get destructive when I’m angry, I have managed to seriously injure myself because I couldn’t resist a stupid impulse more than once, and if we’re all being honest, I would never have graduated high school at all, because I was on the brink of expulsion for getting into fights during class periods.  

It’s easy to feel like “I never really struggled academically” is somehow a counterargument to any and all symptoms of ADHD that you might manifest, but it’s really not.  (Heck, sometimes ADHD is even helpful--I finished my thesis a full week before anyone else and had time to fix my citations, mostly because my ADHD responds well to pressure and that crunch time hyperfocus Had My Back.)  It might take time for you to come to terms with this idea, and that’s okay!  But try to at least consider it.

All that being said, I am actually gonna answer your question, I just got distracted because the amount of time I spent making the statement “I’m faking having ADHD because I did well in school” is mindblowing and I have a Thing about it.  Forgive my ramble.

Stimming: I’m going to answer this first because the answer is going to be the most useless.  The ways I stim tend to be vocal/auditory stuff (I talk a lot when I’m alone, I sing and play music when I’m doing menial tasks, if I’m really anxious I’ll hum a single note until I calm down) or tactile stuff (sometimes destructive things like scratching my arms, sometimes neutral stuff like tapping my fingers in specific patterns or rubbing my palms over my jeans or the leather of a jacket or something).  It’s mostly things that ‘pass’ for neurotypical with very few exceptions, because I trained myself out of a lot of my ‘non-passing’ stims (rocking back and forth, knocking into walls, hand-flapping, that sort of thing) really young.  As for what it feels like to stim, it’s just...good.  It’s sort of like the brain equivalent of running your hand the right way along velvet, and discovering that you’ve been rubbing it backwards all along.  Or like the equivalent of stepping into a cool shower on a really hot day--it’s not that it’s miserable outside the shower, it’s just that the shower is extremely good.  I have a playlist of music that, for whatever reason, hits the right combination of voice and rhythm and notes and words to make my brain suddenly get calm, and it’s not necessarily my favorite music or a cohesive collection of tunes or anything (featuring Six Shooter by Coyote Kisses and also Human by Rag’n’Bone Man, which have nothing in common), but it’s Good.

Hyperfocus: You didn’t actually mention this, but I think it’s worth mentioning because it’s one of the hallmarks of ADHD.  It bears more than a passing resemblance to the concept of “flow”, but turned up to 11.  Hyperfocus is the state of being so overwhelmingly tuned in to the thing you’re currently doing that everything else falls away--which is fine, unless you’re one of us folks who can hyperfocus ourselves right through meal times.  It’s inexorable, it’s all-consuming, and it can feel pretty fucking great, which is why it’s important to be careful and find a way to hydrate yourself.  The primary difference between hyperfocus and flow is that hyperfocus is generally involuntary and does not necessarily tune you into something you planned or wanted to pay attention to.  If you ever see me publish a fic that includes a note about “I didn’t mean to write this but it’s 2 AM so here”, that’s code for “please validate me, I’ve been hyperfocused on this for two or three hours and I failed to do a lot of important things as a result.”  The other thing about hyperfocus is that afterwards, the drop coming off it is a real bitch.  It leaves me feeling hollowed out, exhausted, and kind of pettily disinterested in anything that would usually hold my attention.  Being hyperfocused is like being a machine designed to do one thing and one thing only and doing that thing feels incredible; coming off hyperfocus is like being an overtired toddler.

Hyperfixation: Hyperfixations are the ADHD equivalent of a special interest, aka: that thing you’ve been struggling not to pester every single person you know about, every single second of every single day of the past two and a half weeks.  Were you around, dear anon, when this blog was Only Animorphs, All The Time, and if you didn’t give a shit about morphin’ teens you just had to sit down, shut up, and learn some stuff, or else unfollow me?  That’s what hyperfixating looks like.  Sometimes it’s useful stuff--do you know how unbelievably useful having a hyperfixation on triage techniques is to me?  I crushed my triage training, I owned that shit, I wrote a whole chapter of my thesis on it.  Other times, it’s...well, Animorphs.  Or the American Revolution.  Or X-Men.  Or dinosaurs.  Some random shit like that.  Learning about hyperfixations, talking about them, is generally pure unadulterated joy.  On the other hand--oh, God, listen, I know how annoying I am, but I cannot stop myself.  I know I haven’t talked about anything but Animorphs in three weeks, I know I’ve made forty-five TAZ posts today, whatever you’re about to complain about, I already know, okay, I am aware, and there is nothing more painful than to have a fucking out-of-body experience watching yourself rattle on about a hyperfixation while the other person obviously gets bored in front of you.  And then you try to keep your mouth shut and it physically hurts not to talk about the thing.  It’s hard to describe what it ‘feels’ like except that ADHD brains are magpies at their core and hyperfixations are the shiny, shiny objects your brain wants to take home.

Anyway, I’m not sure how useful ANY of this has been, but like.  After a certain point, you kind of have to trust yourself enough to decide, once and for all, whether you really, truly believe you’re faking a neurological disorder for the attention.  If the answer is no, then great!  You have sussed out your symptoms and can start managing them accordingly, whether that’s some helpful apps on your phone or medication or something in between.  If the answer is yes, then you probably need some therapy, and your therapist will be able to help you get to a point where you feel able to trust yourself.

Go with the neurodivergent gods, my dude.

[bookwormbambi]

Not Coming Back

12/10/2018

Just a heads up I’m actually fighting tears bc I’m a baby

I’ve been wrestling with this decision for a while but I think that deep down my mind has been made up this entire time.

Today was the last time I’m going to be on my campus, because I’m officially transferring out.

I haven’t completed the program, and at this point I don’t know if I’m going to return to nursing at all.

I AM staying in the medical field, and I’m not dropping out of college.

I’m actually going to be applying for a respiratory therapy program that’s starting in the summer. It’s a two year program and at the end I can take the certification tests and be a respiratory therapist before I’m 25.

If I don’t get in, I’ll stick with the nursing program but transferring to a school closer to home.

So, why?

Honestly, this has been such a hard year for me. The permanent end of my relationship came with the hard truth that the only reason I was staying at the school I was at was for my now-ex, because we went there together for a time and he lived out there. It wasn’t why I went there initially, but it really was why I stayed despite how difficult it was to get through the program due to living so far away and being on a restricted schedule as well as expensive af from having to commute by train so often (at one point I was taking this 2-hour trip twice a day, four days a week. No joke.)

When I came up for my first math exam in September, it was the first time I’d been back there since the breakup in February (and it was stupidly exactly seven months to the day) and it was so hard for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about everything that happened and it shot my anxiety through the roof. When it wasn’t memories of the breakup, it was memories of the wonderful times we had living out there, but now those sweet memories feel like lies, tbh.

For the last three years I’ve called Santa Barbara my home, but that day I realized it was never mine. It was ours. And I can’t deal with that heartache anymore.

I’m also incredibly unsatisfied with where I’m at right now, schoolwise. Again it’s taking me about twice as long to get through the program because of how far away I live and the fact that not all of the classes are available online. Not to mention that it seems like every semester they add more prerequisites to get into the actual nursing program and I’m not grandfathered in do every semester there are more classes I have to take. At this point it honestly feels like I’m never going to finish if I stay there.

It’s not a total waste though. Thanks to all of the medical classes I’ve taken, I’m actually qualified for this respiratory therapy program (they only accept 30 students every application period) and have an actual chance at getting in.

It’s also worth mentioning that completing the program will get me the exact same associates in science degree I would get if I stay where I am, so it’s not like I’m not finishing college!

Regardless of what happens with the program, I’m not taking any classes next semester and am going to take some time to work full time and build a savings.

Honestly this has been such a hard decision, but again, I think deep down my mind has been made up for months, and I just wasn’t ready to admit it.

I finally admitted it to myself a few weeks ago when I went there for the third exam, and finally said out loud that the next time I’d be there (today) was going to be the last time.

I’m 2016 I had a five year plan, and it was the most stable I ever felt in my life. Then everything flew off the rails and my life has been an unguided mess ever since. Transferring is the first step in a new five year plan, one that I’m making for me. Not for the people in my life. Not for any boyfriends. And I honestly can’t think of any major decision I’ve ever made solely for me.

[re-lmayer]

idk if i mentioned it here bc i get things confused but

- i haven’t been sleeping lately. like..... we’re talking 35-hours-of-sleep-in-nearly-two-weeks kinda shit. i need to see a doctor but with what money tho

- p sure this is gonna be closely related to my current mental being really, really bad but again. see a therapist and a doctor and get on medication with what money tho

- mom’s oxygen machine keeps breaking down and thanks to us living in a hellscape there’s nobody to repair/replace it

- we also can’t afford her ostomy supplies bc again, with what money tho

- my alcoholic cousin’s husband, after a year of on-again-off-again, has finally served her papers for separation/divorce and bc i literally had to stop going to intensive therapy to basically keep her alive last year i’m very, very worried

- we’re moving to colorado in august bc roomie got a career as a teacher for latin so that’s the only good news i have lol

[hitaka5ever]

Life Updates

Not that anyone probably cares, but I wanted to let y'all know about recent things going on in my life and the steps I'm taking for the near future. Everything's under a Read More

In early June, our attic heating unit started leaking perspiration, so we had to have it shut off until it could be fixed. We got quotes from 2 companies and went with our neighbor, who was the cheapest (to replace the entire AC unit, it would cost us ~$4000 from our neighbor and $8000 for the other guy) Luckily we just needed the upstairs unit replaced for now, so we're expected to pay ~$2000 once our neighbor bills us

Yesterday, July 1st, we got our AC back after enduring the heatwave in Oregon for 2 weeks, so we're no longer suffering from this godawful summer

Then over the weekend, mum and I house and dog sat for my aunt and uncle, who were going to a wedding in Texas (everyone was fully vaccinated) so mum and I got to enjoy the AC and fans at that house

On Monday, I had a doctor's appointment with my new doctor. We discussed my current health problems and, short version is, I'm taking Omeprazole for 3 months straight for my heart burn, still taking Sertraline, but might change, for my depression, and I now take Buspirone for my anxiety, which has gotten a lot worse in the last 2 months (I think its due to financial stress)

My next appointment is the 2nd Monday of this month, where I'll be telling my doctor how the anti-anxiety meds are doing. I will also be getting tests done to find out if I might have inherited my mum's back Scoliosis since I get severe lower back pain from standing straight (its most noticeable when I'm doing the dishes) My mum and I have very similar body types and we have the same curvature in our backs that forms a "dip" (people without the dip can press their entire length of their back against a wall, mum's and mine can't) so I'm probably going to get Scoliosis like her, but we'll see

Starting this coming Tuesday, I will be telecommunicating with my new therapist in order to discuss my issues with being in social situations, which has caused a lack of being a proper adult in many ways (I'm reclusive and the idea of going out to get a job in retail or something similar terrifies me bc I've never been very good with humans in general) I want to change my life for the better, and I need therapy to help me figure out my exact issues and what I can do to fix them

I still haven't sent my paperwork for my legal name and gender change still bc mum and I need to go over the information my state provided, so I don't have to try multiple times to get it approved. There's never been a good time for her and I to sit down and go over the info, but hopefully this weekend will be the time we do it

The next few months, maybe even the rest of the year, will be the hardest time I've ever experienced as I adjust to my new meds and find a new, better job so that I can help my parents with rent and being able to have money that is actually useable (currently, $500 is the minimum amount I have to have in my bank at all times, lest I get hit with an $8 service charge fee each month until I'm over $500 again, but since I'll be getting a new bank once my name and gender change is 100% official, I won't have to worry about that) I still would like to be making more than $350 that doesn't require I deal with the shit weather outside (also bc I'm tired of delivering newspapers) so even if I have to work at my neighborhood Dollar General or Walmart etc, I need to be mentally able to do so

I think that's all for now. Here's a virtual hug if you read this wall of text. There's a lot I have to work on with myself and talking to a therapist is going to help push me into the right direction